It’s high time I wrote this list. I have already ranted about the things I didn’t like when I worked in kitchens. Now, it’s time to rant about my pet peeves of being a hostess, where you have to deal with humanity and the general public at a closer range.
So, here are a few things you should definiteley (not) do when going out to eat.
1. Question my wait times. Unless the restaurant is completely empty and I quote you an hour, just go with it. I know what I am doing, for the most part. If I quote you two hours on a Friday night, I am not lying because it’s a popular place. If you can’t wait that long, you won’t.
2. Get offended when I can’t spell your weird ass, foreign name. Look, I was in spelling bees as a child and can take an educated guess, but even I can’t spell Froichenwenkenfirstenmeister. German names, Scandinavian names, and Japanese names can be particularly hard to spell. So, don’t be surprised if I ask for your first name or just put “Joe”.
3. Keep coming up to check on your time when it’s only been 10 minutes or assuming your pager is broken. Patience is a virtue, my friend, so SIT DOWN. When you come up to look at the times, I am going to do my best to block your view. And your pager is not broken, you just weren’t listening to the time you were quoted.
4. TRADING pagers. I absolutely love it when a party decides they aren’t going to stay, and then they butt in when you’re trying to put someone else’s name down, saying, “Oh, here, they can have my spot.” They might think they are being charitable and “nice”, but what they’re really being is douche bags. You will upset the entire system. It might look “nice” to do that, but it won’t look that way to the other thirty people already in front of you on the list. Also, this is just a classic case of you thinking you know how to do my job better than me.
5. Tell me that other people are getting sat before you and that you’ve been “forgotten”. Oh, waaah, here come the theatrical tears. Do not project your childhood abandonment on me and give me that wishy washy crap. You haven’t been forgotten, you just didn’t circle First Available, which would mean you are willing to sit other places rather than a table. So, it’s because you are high maintenance that other people are being sat before you.
6. Make jokes about how there are 30 of you and then say, “No, just 3.” Wow. You are a freaking comedian extraordinare. Do you not see the hundreds of people packed in here already? Joking with me during a time like this is like joking with a Vietnam war vet who is in a movie with alot of explosions going off. Don’t go there.
7. Take your huge stroller through the middle of the restaurant and block fire exits, run over my toes and generally take up too much room. Huge pet peeve of mine. Carry your baby in a carrier and take your bag of stuff with you. You cannot take your stroller back with you. Strollers nowdays look like cruise ships compared to the ones I used to roll around in. It’s ridiculous. And don’t get mad when I tell you you can’t take it back with you, it’s common sense and for everyone’s safety.
8. Get mad when I ask how many people are in your party. Umm, hello. You’re in a freaking restaurant and it’s not seat yourself. I HAVE to know how many people are in your party so I can sit you appropriately. I can’t sit six people at a table meant for three. Airlines have you book tickets for this same reason, because people always like to add a few more, just for fun, and not tell anybody. I had a lady get mad at me for asking how many were in her party and she said, “Do I look like a fortune teller?” And I just wanted to say to her, “Bitch, I read palms. And there are these magnificent things called cell phones that you can magically dial people up on so you can SEE how many of you there are going to be.”
9. Can we get seated sooner? We’re just special. I don’t care if you’re a celebrity–with the exclusion of Johnny Depp—you’re handicapped and can’t stand very long, you’re tired, you’re hungry, it’s your anniversary, whatever. You will get seated when I seat you. No bribes, no perks. You will wait your turn. Come prepared with something to read and some crackers to tide you over, or go to McDonald’s.
10. Please make the lobby your personal trashcan. Yes, you can put candy wrappers in that plant urn! Why of course, you can lounge on the bench and rearrange the furniture. Do whatever you want.
Oh, man. Feels good to get that allll off my chest. So, remember, folks! Next time you go out to eat, be super nice to the people waiting on you.